Ugly Season Sweater Soiree Youth Audition Assets
The Grinch – Monologue
When you watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas on TV every year, or hear it’s theme playing on the radio, you might think to yourself, “this is just a great, big spoonful of holiday cheer”. I, myself, do not agree. I have concerns.
The Grinch lives alone except for his dog, Max, on top of an icy mountain, miles and miles above the town of Whoville. In the beginning of the story, we hear about what makes the Grinch so cranky. His shoes are too tight, his head isn’t screwed on just right, but worst of all: his heart was made two sizes too small. Correct me if I’m wrong: but this poor man needs rest and relaxation. He needs a doctor. He needs peace and quiet! What he DOESN’T need is a bunch of people singing and yelling and playing with toys 24 hours a day so loudly he can hear them from hundreds of miles away. Do you have any idea how loud you have to be for him to hear you? I’d be crabby too!
Give it a rest! We get it. You like toys. We all do. However, I would not be so selfish as to brag so loudly I can be heard nine mountains away. The guy can’t afford shoes that fit him! He can’t afford to go to the doctor! You don’t need to bang your gardinkers or who-hoovers so loud. It’s rude. It’s unnecessary. He stole your stuff to get some sleep. He stole your stuff because you all are selfish jerks. If the Whos took it down to a level 3, none of that would have been necessary.
I guess the moral of the story is: don’t be an introvert who has a documented heart condition cuz YOU will be looked at as the jerk who stole Christmas.
Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer – Monologue
When you watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on TV every year, or hear my song playing on the radio, you might think to yourself, “this is just a great, big spoonful of holiday cheer”. I, myself, do not agree. I have concerns.
“Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose, and if you ever saw it you would even say it glowed”. It glowed so bright my own father, Donner, was left gasping in horror during my birth from the very sight of it. His only son. Who does that? Not exactly dad of the year. Donner then covered my nose with dirt to cover up his own shame. You don’t need to breathe, son. This dirt on your face will make you normal and popular!
“ALL of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names”. All of them. Including my own father. Including SANTA CLAUSE, when he showed up to tell Donner he should be embarrassed of his son when he found out about my bright red nose. However, eventually Santa needs someone to fly his sleigh so he can break into every child’s home on the planet and my “differences” make me useful.
I guess the moral of the story is: you are only loved if your differences prove useful to a criminal mastermind. That’s a lot of judgement for the greatest home invader in world history. Good thing I have a lighthouse growing out of the front of my face, so Santa can break into homes and steal cookies. Otherwise, I would be left out until my dying day. Maybe it is a feel good holiday bop, but to me, it’s not all fun and reindeer games.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – Monologue
When you hear the song, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” on rotation in your house you might think to yourself, “This is just a winter wonderland of mistletoe kisses and warm hearts.” How cute! The kid saw his Mommy kissing Santa Claus!
First of all, this song is about cheating! Let’s talk about how the kid has zero loyalty whatsoever to Dad in this scenario. Kid? You’re telling me you walked in on your mom tickling some random old man with a white beard in your living room and then kissing him on the mouth without regard for your dad sleeping upstairs and you’re COOL with this?! Just watching like a creep in the shadows? Peeping Toms are creepy and inappropriate and put you straight on the naughty list. Your mom was openly cheating in your home and your response is I’m gonna watch this go down and have a chuckle at Dad’s expense??
I guess the moral of the story is that walking in on your mom tickling some random old man in red velvet pajamas is okay with children, as long as Santa ALSO has the number for a therapist in his Santa sack. He kissed your mommy and your happy home life goodbye. What a bop!
Jingle Bell Rock – Lyrics and Rehearsal Track
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring
Snowin’ and blowin’ up bushels of fun
Now the jingle hop has begun
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time
Dancin’ and prancin’ in Jingle Bell Square
In the frosty air
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer – Lyrics and Rehearsal Track
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
“Rudolph, with your nose so bright
Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”
Then how the reindeer loved him
As they shouted out with glee
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
You’ll go down in history”